Jokes Anything and everything
I have one,
So there is a scientist who takes a frog, he cuts one leg of the creature. He say jump, she jumps. He cuts 2legs, he say jump, she jumps. He cuts a third leg, he say jump, she jumps. He cuts the last leg, he say jumps, but she does not love. He written on his notebook :
When we cut all the legs of the frog she becomes deaf
I told this one on the chat :
This is a guy (let's call him Aïdan because I like Scotland), who is in the U.S.A.
There, he goes on the top of a skyscraper and finds a bar. So, he comes into the bar and is hailed by another guy who is completely drunk:
"Hello dude ! Hips ! I've never seen you be… Hips ! Before!
- No, answers Aïdan. I'm from Scotland.
- So let me offer you a magic beer ! answers the drunken man with anthusiasm.
- A magic beer? asks Aïdan surpised.
- Yes ! Let me show you ! Hey Brendon ! Give me a magic beer please ! "
Brendon, one of the barmen gives a beer to the drunken man who drinks it and jumps through the window. So, he starts to fall but flyes back into the bar.
Amazed, Aïdan asks a magic beer for himself. So, he drinks it, jumps through the window, starts to fall, continues and crashes down on the street.
So, a guy tells the drunken man:
"You're pain in the ass when you drink too much Superman!"
Here I am again, for another jocke, because noone came here since 5 days. People who are often on the chat know this one.
Darren is in the Lochi, which is a pub in Fort William (Scotland). He drank a lot tonight. He has to come back home but he's afraid to be told off by his wife. So one of his friends advices him to drink a lemon juice to not smell bad from the mouth.
So, Darren comes back home. He slawly opens the front door, enters into the flat without a noise, makes his lemon juice, and goes silently to bed, without wiking his wife up.
However, in the morning, his wife says:
"Darren?
-Yes?
-You were completely drunk yesterday, weren't you?
- How do you know?
- Are you trying to tell me the canary killed himself in the blender?!"
Maybe I'll come back later for another adventure of Darren.
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
This one is a special dedication.
Here we are again for another adventure of Darren, the Drunken Master from Scottland.
At this time, he lives in the USA. New Horleans to be precise.
That night, he's in a jazzclub and he drank a lot, as usual, even if bourbon isn't as good as real whisky. But comes the time for him to go to defecate. So he asks to the barman to indicate the toilets.
"This is the door at the back of the room sir, answers the barman."
Here goes Darren. At least he tryes but he doesn't walk really straight. So he arrives at a door, opens it and…
WOW!!! A golden toilet!!! Magnifiscent!
So he sits on it and does what he has to do.
The next day, he talks about this bar to his friends. But noone believes him.
"I'm not telling craps! shouts Darren, angry. Let me give you the adress!"
So when the night happens, Casey, one of Darren's friend, comes into the jazzclub and asks:
"Is it true that you have a golden toilet?"
And the barman shouts:
"Hey! Max! Come here! I found the shmuck who shitted in your trombone!"
This one is a special dedication.
Here we are again for another adventure of Darren, the Drunken Master from Scottland.
At this time, he lives in the USA. New Horleans to be precise.
That night, he's in a jazzclub and he drank a lot, as usual, even if bourbon isn't as good as real whisky. But comes the time for him to go to defecate. So he asks to the barman to indicate the toilets.
"This is the door at the back of the room sir, answers the barman."
Here goes Darren. At least he tryes but he doesn't walk really straight. So he arrives at a door, opens it and…
WOW!!! A golden toilet!!! Magnifiscent!
So he sits on it and does what he has to do.
The next day, he talks about this bar to his friends. But noone believes him.
"I'm not telling craps! shouts Darren, angry. Let me give you the adress!"
So when the night happens, Casey, one of Darren's friend, comes into the jazzclub and asks:
"Is it true that you have a golden toilet?"
And the barman shouts:
"Hey! Max! Come here! I found the shmuck who shitted in your trombone!"
You told me this one last night! 😅
That was my special dedication for you 🙂
Anyway, I had promised to poste another episode of Darren's life, but I completely forgot. That's when I told you this one that I remembered that I completely squized it.
And if I don't forget it, maybe a new episode soon. I'll call it Darren and the Aliens. But I just need time to adapt it.
This guy walks into a bar and takes out a tiny piano and a 12 inch pianist.
He sets the tiny piano down at the bar, and the tiny pianist starts playing up a storm. The bartender looks at the man and says, "That's amazing, where did you get that?" The man replies, "There's a genie outside your bar that will grant you one wish."
The bartender runs outside and sure enough there is a genie. Without hesitation the bartender says "Genie, I wish for a million bucks!" The genie snaps his fingers and disappears. Instantly, a million ducks fly overhead.
🙂
The bartender walks back inside and says, "Hey man, I think there's something wrong with that genie. I asked for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks."
The man says, "You're telling me. You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"