ED's (possible trigger warning) Wszystko i nic

Hey. I will be talking about my ED in the following text so pleaso stop reading if you're sensible.

I've struggled with eating for almost a year now. At the beginning I thought about it sometimes, and I held myself back, but still ate whatever i wanted to. Then it got worse, I started feeling more and more ashamed after eating, even though nobody even said anything. I ate less and less, I kept lying to people about what I had eaten. Then I started eating very much junk food and throwing up afterwards. Now I don't know what to do anymore, I plan my meals all the time and I'm thinking about food all the time. i count my calories, i write lists about what i have eaten, I exercise a lot. I am so exhausted, I really don't know what to do anymore, does anybody know what to do? I've told my mother and I'm going to therapy once a week for an hour, but it just doesn't help. Eating very less makes me feel like I'm in control, like I'm safe and I did everything alright. but this feeling that i get if I ate a lot is undescribeable - I feel so ashamed, i feel like I don't deserve it. There are these voices in my had telling me I shouldn't eat , and i really can't overhear them.

Thank you for reading and for your time

Well, all the things you just told, sounds like anorexia nervosa. At least I can notice some emotional and physical symptoms of it in your text. Bad news first, that's not a monster you can fight with by your own. Latter good news, it is just in developing phase, and reversable somehow. Urge yourself to talk to a doctor as soon as possible. That's not a therapy thing only. That's a three-fold disease: emotional, physical and enviromental. You should see a medical specialist in this field. As soon as possible or right before it gets a lot worse. After a while, the sound in your mind will tell you "eating nothing is the safest way", let alone eating less and less.